I am fat, I have been fat longer than I have been small. When I look at pictures of when I was smaller or remember myself when I was younger I wish I was that small again. Funny thing was I thought I was fat then. I am as of this morning 216 and change. When I first started thinking I was fat I was probably 16... AND I was only 130 lbs! What the hell is wrong with that picture? Why did I think I was fat back then?
I knew I was pretty, I actually was scared of being pretty. I went back
and forth between wanting to attract boys to being scared of them. Its
only later in life that I figured out that that was a safety mechanism I
had. Was I scared of boys because of my step dad? (talk about that
some other day) My absent dad? Again some other day.
I want to loose weight. I have tried and lost weight more times than I
can count. Why is that soo hard? I lost over 100 lbs when I was 26. I
went from 235 to 135 lbs. How did I do that? I stopped
eating. I ate two bowls of cereal in the morning. One was good for me
like All Bran. One was a super sugar one like Captain Crunch. Then for
lunch I had a package of low fat ham. I would drink orange juice during
the day and that would be it until the next day. As I lost more weight I
got more and more excited. I couldnt sleep for being excited and
dreaming of what I would look like. I weighed myself a couple of times a
day, right after I had a poop. After awhile I could not poop really,
thats why I added the orange juice. If I went to sleep on my stomach my
hips would bruise. I loved that. I started getting a bruise from where
my big mens watch rested. Oh my collar bones started to show, I thought I
started to fly. I started having a habit of rubbing my finger over
those bones. Over and over.
Well needless to say that didnt last. I reached my goal, wanted to get
thinner. Started going on no food days, or all fruit days. Then I
started to puke. Yup I started puking everyday. I lived a few houses
from where I worked, so I could go home to puke. I wasnt even binging, I
would eat something like a piece of cheese. Well that couldnt stay in
there! So out it came. You cant puke easily without lots of water in
your stomach, for me at least. So you drink water as you eat so it comes
up easy. When I puked it was like a huge release. Ahhhh.
So anyways, I decided to do a daily journal that could be both private
and public. Private in the sense none of my family and friends would
read this. Public to anyone else who happened to come across it. I dont
expect anyone to read this.
I want to fix myself. I want to stop being depressed. I want to stop
being fat. I want to have a boyfriend. I want someone to love me, and I
want to love someone. I want to be accountable to someone about my
weight loss. Someone other than me. I want to write it down in black and
white so that I cant lie to myself anymore. I want to weigh myself
everyday and come here and write it down, so I can see it.
I want to write about my life, try to figure things out. I want to get mad about it and cry about it and whine about it.
I feel like a fake. Maybe because I spend so much time lying to myself so much. I am ok, No Im not.