Another Aha moment

 I kind of had an AHA moment this week.

I was wiping off my dogs feet one morning, when a little  centipede scuried in front of me. I stepped on it. I never do things like that. I dont like bugs, but I never kill them. I usually pick them up and bring them outside. I figure, just because I dont like them, does not make it ok to kill them. See where I am going with this?

So I stepped on it. Out of fear, or because I was startled. I lashed out with my deadly foot, and killed it. Or so I thought. I had only smushed it, but it lived. Ugh. I brought it outside, like I should have in the beginning. It was while I was outside that I noticed I had hurt it, that one half was not moving right. Ugh. Should I kill it, to take it out of its misery? It fell off my napkin and was gone before I could decide.

I have felt guilt ever since.

I hurt or killed a creature for no other reason then it startled me.

Another Aha moment September 21, 2013 170.2

My son asked me a question last night. This is how it went...

...R: If you could change anything in the past what would it be?
Me: I would not change anything.
R: No, seriously. If you could change one thing...
Me: Nope, nothing
R: Tell me!
Me: If I changed that one thing, I would not have you. (aha moment) So no, there is nothing I would change.
R: Ok, if you could change that one thing and not lose me?
Me: Hmmm...I wish my mom had noticed I was suffering from depression and anxiety when the signs presented themselves (as early as 5!). Everything would have been different.
R: Wow..
Me: But I dont regret it anymore. I would not have had you, so it was all worth it.

Life is good! September 20, 2013 171.7

One of the best ideas I ever had was to start a blog and try to write in it every day. It lets me think, document my feelings, and document my weight loss journey. I am not changing the world, but I am changing me.

Every now and then I read some of my old post to see how far I have come, or to see if there is something that I need to work on.

I got up this morning and decided to look at what I was doing at this time last year. It was not pretty! I was at the end of my rope emotionally and I was seriously depressed about where my life was going and how bad I felt physically.

Fast forward to today...Life is good! It is not perfect, I still struggle with depression, money issues, teenage boy, over sized dog...but I can see my way. I am ok with where my life is leading me. I am learning to forgive myself for all my bad choices/decisions I have made and move on.

I have lost close to 85 lbs, and I have at least 25 to 50 lbs left to go before I  reach the end of my weight loss journey. I know the losing will be the easy part. I know the hard part is coming...maintaining.

Aha moment? Not sure yet. August 20, 2013 181.

I ate and ate and ate yesterday. Why? Am I trying to self sabotage? Was I hungry, Was I bored, Tired, Angry, Depressed? I think it was a little bit of everything. I didnt start off the day by over eating. It just sort of crept up on me.

I ate my lunch, then my son made me a grilled cheese sandwich. He never does stuff like that. So I ate it. Then I had a huge salad for super. It was just lettuce and olive oil and lemon juice. It was so good I had another. Then I started eating fruit. Three peaches, then I had some salsa and tortilla chips. Then porridge. My stomach hurt, it was so full.

So I puked.

Once I start over eating, I cant seem to stop. Its like my what the hell are you doing button is jammed. The more I eat, the more I want to eat. The more I eat, the more I think of eating. The more I eat, the less I am satisfied. The more I eat, the less I think.

So I puked.

I hardly do this anymore. Yes yes, once is too many, I know. The reality of it is, that I over eat. Sometimes I puke. It feels like I am releasing all this negative stuff from inside me. Feelings of sadness, of stress, of anger and I feel this bone deep relief.

Sometimes I dont puke. That is worse. I use this as a punishment of sorts. I deserve to be in pain for doing something so stupid as over eating. That gaining weight, and the over full feeling is what I deserve, and I should suffer for all the bad that I have done. Gawd!

This morning I really sat down and thought about all this, and yes its not brilliant, or a new to me thought. But it is the first time I have put it down for me to read and study and think it through.

Something unexpected happened yesterday March 28, 2013 *185.8

I have been taking care of my mom's house for the last few months while she is snow birding it in the US. I dont do much, just pick up mail, and make sure everything is ok. Yesterday, I decided to clean her house a bit. The minute I walked in, I felt faint and weak.

I already know I have low blood sugar, which surprisingly, my diet has been helping. I had eaten a good breakfast, but I thought I was going to faint. I found some nuts, then I opened the holy grail. I found chocolate/orange icecream in  her freezer.

When I came out of my crazy icecream fantasy, I had found I had eaten tooooo many cals. Instead of freaking out, and saying oh the hell with it, lets eat everything. I kept my cals low for the rest of the day, and in the end I was almost within my daily calorie alotement.

What was kind of unexpected, was my overwhelming urge to eat. I finally figured out it was because I was at my mom's house. I always  overeat there. I stress/binge/emotional/boredom eat whenever I am at her house, or around her.

I guess it is a good thing that she has been gone for awhile. It let me diet in peace, take time to learn about my triggers, and how to deal with them. Now I have to think of a plan on how to deal with my Mamma's House!

BTW! I weighed in at 185.8 lbs! 

Aha moment #2 January 28, 2013 *198.6

This past week has been a hard one, food wise. I have been nibbling a bit, and feeling STARVED! I have low blood pressure and low blood sugar. I have found a huge difference since I have cut out sugar and processed food. I no longer have spikes in my blood sugar and or feel faint. This past week though, I have felt relatively weak and faint.

I figured out why yesterday. I have cut out nearly all my carbs from my diet. I am not following a no carb diet. I have already done that to disastrous results. What I have done, is cut out all processed food. I eat Ryvita crisp bread for breakfast with laughing cow cheese, with an egg white omelet and prunes. Everyday! It covers all the food groups, is my largest meal, and it sets me off to a great day, diet wise.

I ran out of Ryvita a few days ago, so my breakfast has been chicken bacon, one egg and prunes. Lovely breakfast, very yummy. I go to work and wow, I am starving to the point that I started to really question my diet.

I went grocery shopping this morning, and bought Dutch Rusks. I had a couple with laughing cow cheese. I was so busy today, that I never ended up eating anything else til around 1. Then I had a couple more. My total calorie intake was 300 calories. I was not hungry or faint. Now I realize some of it was being busy, but I am hugely busy at work too. What was different today?

Yup, you guessed it. Carbs. It makes enough a difference that I was feeling faint when I didnt even have the little I was allowing myself. I eat lots and lots of naturally occurring carbs though. Sweet potatoes/ squash/ any and all veggies.

So though it was a hard week diet wise, I had two AHA moments. 1. I eat when I am anxious, and 2. that I feel faint and super hungry when I dont allow a little bit of carbs in my diet

Stumbling onto my AHA! Moment. January 25, 2013 *198.8

I did a couple of new to me recipes yesterday. They worked out surprisingly well, considering I was making breadsticks out of a veggie!  I was all gung ho for trying out all the other ideas on cauliflower noodles, pizza, uh...nope. Going to stay away from that. I am not allergic to flour, I am just choosing to stay away from it. I have a life long love affair with cheese, that would not be helped by making all these gluten free recipes.

My calorie intake from all the cheese yesterday was shocking. Add the fat and the salt that is in the cheese I am surprised I stayed in my daily calorie allotment.

It was because of yesterday, that I stumbled on one of my stumbling blocks. I like routine. I like doing the same thing every day. If I am forced out of doing the exact same thing, I get anxious, or feel out of control. For example... I  eat the same breakfast every day. If I dont, I feel like I am missing something, or that my world is out of alignment. When all is not right with the world, what do I do? Thats right! I eat!

What?  Can it be that simple? I feel brilliant. It has taken the better part of my adult life to get here. I finally had my AHA! Moment.

What is funny though, is if I am not on a diet, I eat anything and everything with out feeling anxious! It is when I am on a diet, that I plan, plan, plan. If I step out of this plan, I feel like I walked outside naked. Seriously. So I eat to cover myself back up.

Yes yes, I knew I was an emotional eater, but it was just a word with no real context to me. I did not feel it. I feel it now. I know I eat if I am stressed out or sad or scared. But I did not know I ate to cover up being taken out of my comfort zone.Yesterday, I did not eat at my regular time, my regular food for breakfast or do my regular early morning house cleaning. I had a low to medium urge to eat all day. To snack, to nibble, to check what was in my fridge. Since I have been on my diet/new way of life/fixing me plan, I have not felt that urge.

I now realize why. I have been planning everything out. I have been writing things down (my blog), I have been sticking to the plans with out any deviations. I just trudge along, happy in my simple little life. It is when I take myself out of this that I fall flat, or fail. Hmmm, I am so smart!

Why not play to my strengths then? I like planning, sticking to the same routines. So that is what I am going to do. I realize I have been doing this all along in this new diet regime. That is why I feel so empowered, and that I feel like this time I am going to make it.