F'n Period...grrr November 26, 2012 *217

So I started my freakin period this morning! Ug. Feel like crap. Ate some chips today. My theory is you are legally bound to eat junk on your period. If you dont you might kill somebody. So I weighed myself this morning and I came in at 217 and change. Blah.

Went shopping for my birthday present today with my mom. It was back in September, but I could not find or decide what I wanted. Finally decided on an electric fireplace. Went to Walmart and got that and a carpet to put on my living room floor. I also went to the Dollar Store (not really a dollar anymore). I got some candles and candle stuff to put in my new and improved living room. I also started getting Christmas stuff. I am going to decorate this year. I have not for awhile.

I cant put up a Christmas tree, because my huge dog will eat it or knock it over with his deathly tail. I decided to hang my ornaments from the ceiling, I love Christmas lights so I figure I am going to go kind of crazy with that shit too, I love the smell of pines so I might buy some pine branches, group them together and hang them from a corner. That might be my special tree. I can just see it now. Lovely.

This is all part of my master plan.  Like I said I decided to fix myself and to do that I decided to fix my house. I thought that I could make my house look as nice as I could afford then I would start to feel better about certain aspects of my life. I would start cleaning and respecting my house more. So my family got on board. My Aunt gave me a living room set that was just being stored in her basement. It looks great! I painted or retouched most of the paint, and have been cleaning everyday.

It makes me get up at a reasonable time in the morning to clean.  Then I walk the dog so I can fulfill my other promise to myself. I didnt walk today, but I did walk yesterday and it was a very nice walk in the dark (my favorite time, because no one can see me).

I think I may take a picture of my living room and post it.

I am fat October 30, 2012

I am fat, I have been fat longer than I have been small. When I look at pictures of when I was smaller or remember myself when I was younger I wish I was that small again. Funny thing was I thought I was fat then. I am as of this morning 216 and change. When I first started thinking I was fat I was probably 16... AND I was only 130 lbs! What the hell is wrong with that picture? Why did I think I was fat back then?

I knew I was pretty, I actually was scared of being pretty. I went back and forth between wanting to attract boys to being scared of them.  Its only later in life that I figured out that that was a safety mechanism I had.  Was I scared of boys because of my step dad? (talk about that some other day) My absent dad? Again some other day.

I want to loose weight. I have tried and lost weight more times than I can count. Why is that soo hard? I lost over 100 lbs when I was 26. I went from 235  to 135 lbs. How did I do that? I stopped eating. I ate two bowls of cereal in the morning. One was good for me like All Bran. One was a super sugar one like Captain Crunch. Then for lunch I had a package of low fat ham. I would drink orange juice during the day and that would be it until the next day. As I  lost more weight I got more and more excited. I couldnt sleep for being excited and dreaming of what I would look like. I weighed myself a couple of times a day, right after I had a poop. After awhile I could not poop really, thats why I added the orange juice. If I went to sleep on my stomach my hips would bruise. I loved that. I started getting a bruise from where my big mens watch rested. Oh my collar bones started to show, I thought I started to fly. I started having a habit of rubbing my finger over those bones. Over and over.

Well needless to say that didnt last. I reached my goal, wanted to get thinner. Started going on no food days, or all fruit days. Then I started to puke. Yup I started puking everyday. I lived a few houses from where I worked, so I could go home to puke. I wasnt even binging, I would eat something like a piece of cheese. Well that couldnt stay in there! So out it came. You cant puke easily without lots of water in your stomach, for me at least. So you drink water as you eat so it comes up easy. When I puked it was like a huge release. Ahhhh.

So anyways, I decided to do a daily journal that could be both private and public. Private in the sense none of my family and friends would read this. Public to anyone else who happened to come across it. I dont expect anyone to read this.

I want to fix myself. I want to stop being depressed. I want to stop being fat. I want to have a boyfriend. I want someone to love me, and I want to love someone. I want to be accountable to someone about my weight loss. Someone other than me. I want to write it down in black and white so that I cant lie to myself anymore. I want to weigh myself everyday and come here and write it down, so I can see it.

I want to write about my life, try to figure things out. I want to get mad about it and cry about it and whine about it.

I feel like a fake. Maybe because I spend so much time lying to myself so much. I am ok, No Im not.

Fixing Me! Octobr 25, 2012

Where am I? I am at the end of my rope. I need to try something different. I need to fix myself. Fix my head, fix my fat body, fix my lonely life. I want to write just like I would a diary, and not worry about spelling or punctuation.  I want to be honest with myself, and write what is on my mind right then. I want to let my inner self hang all out.  So here goes.