Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Aha moment? Not sure yet. August 20, 2013 181.

I ate and ate and ate yesterday. Why? Am I trying to self sabotage? Was I hungry, Was I bored, Tired, Angry, Depressed? I think it was a little bit of everything. I didnt start off the day by over eating. It just sort of crept up on me.

I ate my lunch, then my son made me a grilled cheese sandwich. He never does stuff like that. So I ate it. Then I had a huge salad for super. It was just lettuce and olive oil and lemon juice. It was so good I had another. Then I started eating fruit. Three peaches, then I had some salsa and tortilla chips. Then porridge. My stomach hurt, it was so full.

So I puked.

Once I start over eating, I cant seem to stop. Its like my what the hell are you doing button is jammed. The more I eat, the more I want to eat. The more I eat, the more I think of eating. The more I eat, the less I am satisfied. The more I eat, the less I think.

So I puked.

I hardly do this anymore. Yes yes, once is too many, I know. The reality of it is, that I over eat. Sometimes I puke. It feels like I am releasing all this negative stuff from inside me. Feelings of sadness, of stress, of anger and I feel this bone deep relief.

Sometimes I dont puke. That is worse. I use this as a punishment of sorts. I deserve to be in pain for doing something so stupid as over eating. That gaining weight, and the over full feeling is what I deserve, and I should suffer for all the bad that I have done. Gawd!

This morning I really sat down and thought about all this, and yes its not brilliant, or a new to me thought. But it is the first time I have put it down for me to read and study and think it through.

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you are struggling. Please consider getting some counseling for the purging after overeating. I know that it can be hard to break that habit yourself but having a self awareness is a wonderful first step.

    Take care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually did get counseling a few years ago. It did help, and I stopped that cycle. This was the second time this year that I binged and purged. After having this Aha moment, I think I know more now then after my counseling.

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  2. Hi Josee, its ok to slip sometimes, but please don't get into the habit of purging it's very harmful. I am happy you sat down to think about it and face it, next time when you overeat go for a walk instead of puking...it's about releasing negative energy so why not punch something, when I am very irritated with myself it helps to remove anger by throwing some kicks and punches ;)(burns calories and calms me down) don't puke..please take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tanvee for your concern! This weight loss journey I am on is amazing. I am learning so much about myself and my triggers. This blog lets me express myself, analyze my body, my thoughts and why I do things. Yes it was not a good thing that I puked, but I learned something about why I do it. I agree though, exercise is better!

      I will get there, I promise.

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