I ate and ate and ate yesterday. Why? Am I trying to self sabotage? Was I hungry, Was I bored, Tired, Angry, Depressed? I think it was a little bit of everything. I didnt start off the day by over eating. It just sort of crept up on me.
I ate my lunch, then my son made me a grilled cheese sandwich. He never does stuff like that. So I ate it. Then I had a huge salad for super. It was just lettuce and olive oil and lemon juice. It was so good I had another. Then I started eating fruit. Three peaches, then I had some salsa and tortilla chips. Then porridge. My stomach hurt, it was so full.
So I puked.
Once I start over eating, I cant seem to stop. Its like my what the hell are you doing button is jammed. The more I eat, the more I want to eat. The more I eat, the more I think of eating. The more I eat, the less I am satisfied. The more I eat, the less I think.
So I puked.
I hardly do this anymore. Yes yes, once is too many, I know. The reality of it is, that I over eat. Sometimes I puke. It feels like I am releasing all this negative stuff from inside me. Feelings of sadness, of stress, of anger and I feel this bone deep relief.
Sometimes I dont puke. That is worse. I use this as a punishment of sorts. I deserve to be in pain for doing something so stupid as over eating. That gaining weight, and the over full feeling is what I deserve, and I should suffer for all the bad that I have done. Gawd!
This morning I really sat down and thought about all this, and yes its not brilliant, or a new to me thought. But it is the first time I have put it down for me to read and study and think it through.