Drugs, I need 'em! September 19, 2013 172.8

My money crunch is started to wear at me. I dont mind not having any money, or being poor as a church mouse. But even I can feel the pinch of it.

I take pills for my depression and social anxiety and I started to take half my dose every night. Now I take half a dose every second day. I can feel the difference. I am coasting, hanging on the edge...

Happy Pills

My doctor is aware of what I am doing, unfortunately there is not much she can do. I indirectly told my mom the other day, and she offered to buy me a couple months supply for my birthday. I am not going to take her up on it, because she already does so much for me.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that my anxiety was/is strongly tied to my weight. As I lose more weight,  I am leaving the house more and more. I say that, but yesterday I could not make myself go for a walk during the daylight hours. Sometimes I feel like such a crazy person.

Milo from a couple of months ago

I got all dressed, sneakers, coat and I was on my front porch and saw all the people walking their dogs. It was a huge crowd....at least 2 people! Milo and I usually walk at night for a couple of reasons. One...He is hard to handle if he decides he wants to see another dog (200 lbs). Hardly anyone walks at night in my neighborhood.  Two... I dont want people to see me. So when I saw those dogs, I knew there was no way I was going to take Milo, and with out Milo there was no way I was going for a walk.

I went back inside, and waited for dark. Then I went for a walk. Sad.

Something unexpected happened yesterday March 28, 2013 *185.8

I have been taking care of my mom's house for the last few months while she is snow birding it in the US. I dont do much, just pick up mail, and make sure everything is ok. Yesterday, I decided to clean her house a bit. The minute I walked in, I felt faint and weak.

I already know I have low blood sugar, which surprisingly, my diet has been helping. I had eaten a good breakfast, but I thought I was going to faint. I found some nuts, then I opened the holy grail. I found chocolate/orange icecream in  her freezer.

When I came out of my crazy icecream fantasy, I had found I had eaten tooooo many cals. Instead of freaking out, and saying oh the hell with it, lets eat everything. I kept my cals low for the rest of the day, and in the end I was almost within my daily calorie alotement.

What was kind of unexpected, was my overwhelming urge to eat. I finally figured out it was because I was at my mom's house. I always  overeat there. I stress/binge/emotional/boredom eat whenever I am at her house, or around her.

I guess it is a good thing that she has been gone for awhile. It let me diet in peace, take time to learn about my triggers, and how to deal with them. Now I have to think of a plan on how to deal with my Mamma's House!

BTW! I weighed in at 185.8 lbs! 

Stumbling onto my AHA! Moment. January 25, 2013 *198.8

I did a couple of new to me recipes yesterday. They worked out surprisingly well, considering I was making breadsticks out of a veggie!  I was all gung ho for trying out all the other ideas on cauliflower noodles, pizza, uh...nope. Going to stay away from that. I am not allergic to flour, I am just choosing to stay away from it. I have a life long love affair with cheese, that would not be helped by making all these gluten free recipes.

My calorie intake from all the cheese yesterday was shocking. Add the fat and the salt that is in the cheese I am surprised I stayed in my daily calorie allotment.

It was because of yesterday, that I stumbled on one of my stumbling blocks. I like routine. I like doing the same thing every day. If I am forced out of doing the exact same thing, I get anxious, or feel out of control. For example... I  eat the same breakfast every day. If I dont, I feel like I am missing something, or that my world is out of alignment. When all is not right with the world, what do I do? Thats right! I eat!

What?  Can it be that simple? I feel brilliant. It has taken the better part of my adult life to get here. I finally had my AHA! Moment.

What is funny though, is if I am not on a diet, I eat anything and everything with out feeling anxious! It is when I am on a diet, that I plan, plan, plan. If I step out of this plan, I feel like I walked outside naked. Seriously. So I eat to cover myself back up.

Yes yes, I knew I was an emotional eater, but it was just a word with no real context to me. I did not feel it. I feel it now. I know I eat if I am stressed out or sad or scared. But I did not know I ate to cover up being taken out of my comfort zone.Yesterday, I did not eat at my regular time, my regular food for breakfast or do my regular early morning house cleaning. I had a low to medium urge to eat all day. To snack, to nibble, to check what was in my fridge. Since I have been on my diet/new way of life/fixing me plan, I have not felt that urge.

I now realize why. I have been planning everything out. I have been writing things down (my blog), I have been sticking to the plans with out any deviations. I just trudge along, happy in my simple little life. It is when I take myself out of this that I fall flat, or fail. Hmmm, I am so smart!

Why not play to my strengths then? I like planning, sticking to the same routines. So that is what I am going to do. I realize I have been doing this all along in this new diet regime. That is why I feel so empowered, and that I feel like this time I am going to make it.