Denial

Since I fell off the diet wagon, my IBS has been AWFUL! Bad enough that I have nearly had accidents. I take it as a blessing, because it is a constant reminder to watch what I eat.

When I go over to the 'Dark Side', I get temperary amnesia. I dont look at labels, that way I have no idea what I am eating. Seriously?! Like I dont have it all memorized! Thats the amnesia part.

Now imagine eating something that is totally not good for you...imagine having to run to the bathroom...

Its easy to live in denial, but not when your on the toilet.

A Step back January 18, 2013 *201.6

One step forward...two steps back

Well I weighed in at 201.6 lbs today. I finally figured out why too. It was water weight I lost. I have not been drinking my water while Aunt Flo has been visiting. So really I did not make my 200 lbs goal yet. I will by the end of the week though. No worries (fingers and toes crossed).

I follow alot of different blogs and I read every single one. I have found out I am not alone in my struggle. I am not the only one out there who is lonely. I am not the only one has failed over and over again. I read about people who are interesting, who teach me things, who make me think about why I do things. For example; Diane from Fit to the Finish, wrote about stumbles on her post today Stumbles can really trip you up.  That really made me think. It is not a new concept, but  the topic came at the perfect time for me. I have always failed because I have always given up when I stumble. I cant continue to fail.

I have been stepping out of my comfort zone lately when it comes to my meals. I usually make the exact same breakfast every morning, and a small rotating group of meals for lunch and supper. I know what my danger foods are and I stay away from them with a religious zeal. I don't mind eating the same meals all the time at all. It makes me feel safe/secure and in control.

The last week or so, I have come to realize a couple of truths. So what is the truth? I know I will make it this time. I have the willpower to continue to the very end.  There is no end! I am changing my life. I have to make permanent changes. Can I realistically eat the same food for the rest of my life? Nope!!! Can I stay away from all my danger foods? Actually yes I think I can. So what is a happy medium? Try different foods, try different recipes that are not connected in my mind to eating while I am depressed.

My danger foods haunt me. Thankfully it is a very small list. My go to foods when I am depressed are not good for me mentally or physically. Pasta, like macaroni and tomatoes, K.D., or spaghetti. I have never been able to eat one serving of this. EVER! I actually don't have the same problem with rice noodles, go figure. Chips are the other danger food. I got through university by eating a large bag of BBQ Ruffle chips. Every single day. I actually gave those up a few years ago and have never had another one. Cereal. I could eat a box of cereal a day. Looking at this list objectively, I know I can stay away from these foods.

Back on topic...I have been trying different recipes, changing up my meals and I am controlling myself. I don't feel as in control, but I am having fun trying to find good food choices.

For example tonight I made Pizza. I made it out of Flat out Thin Crust Artisans Bread. 150 cals. Then the pizza sauce and  a serving of  skim Mozza with a serving of chicken bacon. It all came to 333 cals. I will have to work on making my own Pizza sauce though. The salt content in Catelli  was out of this world, (I now average 1500 mg or less everyday). My son loved it, which is a plus. I was going to take a picture, but I ate all before I got to it.

I also made my son some garlic bread, bad idea. I snacked on a bite here and there. Grrr.  I added some cheat calories to make sure that I was honest about what my count was for the day. I do not and will not lie about what I eat. That way leads to failure!!! Anyhoo...I went for a super brisk walk for 30 minutes to make up for the cheats. It was -17 with a -28 windchill. Brrrr.

January 15, 2013 *203

I weighed in at 203 lbs today. Like I said...the countdown is on. I cant stress how much I am learning about my body and my moods. Simply by paying attention and writing down everything I eat and weighing myself everyday. Most of the stuff I already knew, but it was more nebulous. Now I have concrete evidence, and it will only get better and more detailed as time goes on.

I remember my last failed diet attempt. I lost it because I just kept on gaining weight, or so I thought. I weighed myself every week. Never really noticed any big changes. So imagine if I was bloated on my weigh in day. Or the week before my period (like this week), or any number of reasons  why you weigh more one day then the next.

I admit I am more dedicated (strict?) this time. I am an emotional eater, and anytime I weighed myself and didn't see a difference, or had a weight gain, that day would become my cheat day. So the rollercoaster would begin.

I don't do cheat days now. I don't have the right mind set for them. I am an all or nothing kind of gal. If I start of with a cheat in the morning, by night I will have eaten a cow!

I plan my meals  using myfitnesspal. I plan my week of meals using a menu planner. I count everything that goes into my mouth...no  lying or fudging about anything. Then I just follow my diet.

Some days are harder then others. Sometimes I want food food food, then some times I am like...meh. I like the  calorie shifting  theory, so I work that into my plan. If I dont feel like eating much or I am not walking around like a famine victim, then that will be one of my low calorie days. Yesterday was one of my higher calorie days. It keeps my body from getting used to the diet and hopefully will not stutter to a plateau.

***

Today ended up being a gorgeous day outside. I think it was only -7, and hardly any breeze. Perfect day for a walk, so that is what I did.

***

I gotta go pick up my mom's dog Peanut, who is going to live with me for 3 months.  The next week will probably be a little stressful. I already know Peanut and Milo get along, but they never stop playing. Sigh...I love my quiet time. I think my next blog post with be about Peanut.

Busy busy busy January 11, 2013 *202.8

I weighed in at 202.8 lbs today. I promised myself I would write in my blog everyday. When I look back on my past diet attempts, I see where I normally fall off the wagon. I find if I stay strict with myself I stick to my diet. If I stop counting calories, more food starts going into my mouth. If I stop thinking about my diet, I stop making good food choices. It almost becomes something like out of sight out of mind.

No No No!

So I weigh myself every day. I write in my blog everyday. Sometimes when the scale is not moving in the right direction, I want to lie and not record the correct weight. Then I want to hit myself! Holy crap if I cant write the truth about my weight who the hell am I hurting? I caught myself doing that a couple of times already. If I fudge even an ounce, I mentally give myself a bitch slap.

Today was a long stressful day at work, with new people and new situations. I have to say...I dont like new people and new situations!