Disappeared for a bit

Well I disappeared for a bit, Depression sucks! I feel better, inside and out...so here I am.

I dont know where to start, other than, I gained 20lbs back. Damn it!

Good news though. I have been trying to get back on track for over a month, and I am finally in the groove. You know the one I am talking about. Where you see stuff you want to eat, but you dont. Where people offer you stuff to eat, and you dont. Where you go somewhere and they have heaven on a plate...thats right! You dont eat it.

Groovy!

I am not exercising yet, but I will soon.

I went up to 194 after Christmas, and gave myself a huge kick in the ass. After much struggling, I weighed in at 189 this morning.

Nice to be back.

Climbing out of the dark 190 lbs

Starting to see the light again.

Now I have to repair the damage. I have gained back 20 lbs. Sheesh.

Here we go again.

UGH! Why?

Why?
Why?
I have gained some weight back again.

Do I stop caring what I eat when I am going through a depression, or am I depressed because I am gaining weight?

I think both are true for me.

I have been  having a hard time lately, so I turn to food. Which as we all know...sigh...why? Why do I do this to myself?

Once again, returning from the Dark Side 176.0

Sigh...

I am back from The Dark Side, and I am tired.

The phrase The Dark Side means different things to me. The first of course is reference to Darth Vader and the Dark Side! I am a movie nerd and I love that series.  So when I started really working on my mental health I started calling my depression The Dark Side. I feel like Darth Vader, full of dark thoughts, but basically just a lost soul.

Needless to say, I gained a little back, but in general I practiced maintenance.

Another Aha moment September 21, 2013 170.2

My son asked me a question last night. This is how it went...

...R: If you could change anything in the past what would it be?
Me: I would not change anything.
R: No, seriously. If you could change one thing...
Me: Nope, nothing
R: Tell me!
Me: If I changed that one thing, I would not have you. (aha moment) So no, there is nothing I would change.
R: Ok, if you could change that one thing and not lose me?
Me: Hmmm...I wish my mom had noticed I was suffering from depression and anxiety when the signs presented themselves (as early as 5!). Everything would have been different.
R: Wow..
Me: But I dont regret it anymore. I would not have had you, so it was all worth it.

Drugs, I need 'em! September 19, 2013 172.8

My money crunch is started to wear at me. I dont mind not having any money, or being poor as a church mouse. But even I can feel the pinch of it.

I take pills for my depression and social anxiety and I started to take half my dose every night. Now I take half a dose every second day. I can feel the difference. I am coasting, hanging on the edge...

Happy Pills

My doctor is aware of what I am doing, unfortunately there is not much she can do. I indirectly told my mom the other day, and she offered to buy me a couple months supply for my birthday. I am not going to take her up on it, because she already does so much for me.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that my anxiety was/is strongly tied to my weight. As I lose more weight,  I am leaving the house more and more. I say that, but yesterday I could not make myself go for a walk during the daylight hours. Sometimes I feel like such a crazy person.

Milo from a couple of months ago

I got all dressed, sneakers, coat and I was on my front porch and saw all the people walking their dogs. It was a huge crowd....at least 2 people! Milo and I usually walk at night for a couple of reasons. One...He is hard to handle if he decides he wants to see another dog (200 lbs). Hardly anyone walks at night in my neighborhood.  Two... I dont want people to see me. So when I saw those dogs, I knew there was no way I was going to take Milo, and with out Milo there was no way I was going for a walk.

I went back inside, and waited for dark. Then I went for a walk. Sad.

Stop doing that sh*t! March 5, 2013 *191.4

I have been having panic attacks, or maybe I should say major anxiety continuously. I visited my doc and I am back on my depression/ anxiety pills (in addition to the mood stabilizers I already take). Wow, what a difference. It has been a couple of years since I stopped taking them. I wanted to see if I could stop taking pills and deal with my mental problems by myself. *Note to self...stop doing that shit!*  I have been putting myself through hardship for this idea that I  could handle it. Duh. So here I am, able to take deep breaths, and not able to hear that bitchy me voice in my head. Happy Dance.

There are side effects though. Yes I am calmer, not as anxious, not as depressed, not as likely to cry and generally a nicer person. I am also not as likely to laugh, smile, gain weight and be more confused (not able to focus).

Are all the cons worth the pros? Yes and no. Both cause me to live half a life.

Hitting my stride February 28, 2013 *191.8

I am finally comfortable in my diet. I know I am not going to fall off the wagon. How can I be sure? Well the way I see it, if I didn't fall off while I hit a plateau, and I went through a bout of depression, why would I fall off the wagon? I used my diet as a life preserver in a sense, sort of like tunnel vision. I made good food choices, stayed strict to my daily calorie allowance. Did I focus on my food, instead of my depression? Yup.

Next time, I am going to have to focus on exercise when I am going through a depression. Am I being negative, in thinking I am going to go through another one? I dont think so. I think I am being realistic.  For me depression is as sure as 'Death n Taxes'! It is up to me how I deal with it. I plan everything else...why not how to deal with my depression differently? I now know I can work my way through it without gaining weight. Now I have to plan for going through it and exercising too.

The Hills are alive with the Sounds of Music.. 194.0

I am happy to report that I am reading again. That is a sure sign that I am doing great. Now I just have to get off my ass and start exercising again. I have not gone for a walk since this whole 'episode' started. I heard a bird singing this morning, when I let the dog out, and it made me smile. I actually started to sing 'The hills are alive with the Sounds of Music"! Ok not very well, but you get the picture.

I started thinking about depression and how it affects me. I notice ...

Trouble sleeping
Increase in appetite
Grumpier
Sadder
Tired tired tired
Cry at the drop of the hat
Mean little bitch voice in my head
Panic Attacks
No interest in anything
The death nell...not wanting to read!

Soo, I have not been exercising. You know what that means...thats right, I bombed my New Years Resolution.

On another good note though. I have written a huge To Do list. I put them in columns like People to call, Things to Do, Things to think about. Then I color coded them Red (right now), Orange (almost right now), Yellow (soon) and Black.

I have done almost all the red, though it took me over two weeks to do them all. I feel better without all those To Do things hanging over my head too. Some of them were really simple, like calling the doc. I hate talking on the phone, or seeing people. All of the items on the red list were about calling people for appointments. Sheeesh!

Well I am off to go singing...

I am a Tattood gal February 14, 2013 *195.5

I got my first tattoo when I was in my mid-20s. That one has since been covered up, with another one that actually means something to me.

Peony

Fast forward to 20 years later (where has the time gone) I am covered in tattoos, each one created by me. Its starts on my chest, goes over my shoulder, down my left side of my back. I have a huge tramp stamp dragon, then down my left leg around my ankle to my left toe. Each image (tattoo) represents something important to me, and one runs into the other. I have a continuing tattoo on my right arm that is dedicated to my son. I add to it as he gets older. I have done the same thing to my left arm, except it is about me.

My second tattoo was something that came about, in a round about way. I was a cutter when I was younger. There is a place on my arm that has about 4 scars, that I had grown to be embarrassed of. They represented my depression, stupid decisions, and things that I wish I had never done.

Dragon

When you are depressed (for me anyways), you have this tiny voice, that never lets you rest. It says bad stuff to me, about me. You are fat, you are ugly, you are worthless. It also keeps going over events in your life that were not great.  I had already started treatment for depression, and knew that the tiny voice (my subconscious) was no friend to me. I had to learn to forgive myself. So I did (took years).

My second tattoo says forgive and forget. I needed to forgive myself and try to forget it. That started a lifelong obsession of expressing myself through my body. I generally dont like people, talking and getting close to them makes me sick (anxiety). I have so many feelings and tattoos were a way for me to let them all out.

Puppy Prints

Sometimes though, my tattoos and piercing were actually another way of cutting myself. I could cause pain to myself, that was not as obvious and every one would think I was ok. When I cut myself, it was to express pain, to overcome it, become the master of it. When the pain was done, there was this incredible release, a wonderful feeling. I would do it again and again. When I started tattoos and piercing the same thing happened.



People often ask me if tattoos hurt. Uh...yup. That is why I do it. For the time that it takes for the artist to finish, is the amount of time my tiny voice (bitchy me), shuts up. When it is all over, and the artist rubs Vaseline on it, I am flying high.

Flower in Concret

'Nature Will Find A Way'

This is how I feel today, which is a huge improvement. Something small and fragile, breaking and splitting through concrete.

I have stayed true to my diet, almost clinging to the challenge of keeping on my path. It has become my light at the end of the tunnel.

I have not lost any weight the last little while. I am 'maintaining', and it is calming my anxiety about regaining my weight after I have completed my weight loss journey.

I realize I have put too much pressure on myself to lose 100 lbs by the end of 2013. I have never lost weight easily. Weight has never fallen off like magic. I stay true to my diet, never cheat, do exercises, but I usually only lose 1-3 lbs a month. For me to reach my goal, I would have to lose an average of 2.5 lbs a week.

To remove some of my stress, I have given up on the goal of reaching 120 lbs by the end of 2013. I am going to lose weight in a slow (sigh) steady manner (sigh). I will reach my goal, when ever I reach it. I am already 60 lbs down from my highest weight, and  still have 76 lbs to lose. I think I may also rethink my goal of 120 lbs. Is it realistic for my height and age? I know I can reach it, but is it something I can comfortably reach and importantly, maintain.

Does this mean I am giving up? Does this mean I am lowering my standards because I am passing through a dark time? I don't think so. I feel good about this decision. My will power feels rejuvenated.

Life has never been easy for me, but at least I am here. I have a beautiful son, though he is driving me crazy (pun not intended), at the moment. I have a family who cares for me, though they think I should be able to fix that part of me that causes these feelings. I am not a car that can be fixed.

There is something not right in my head, but I go through it, fight it, fight back and come through the other side. The next time is never easier, but I get better at getting there.





















*I found this picture on this site here

I am climbing...

Your fat. Your ugly. Your lazy. You are lonely. You are good for nothing. You are tired. You are broken. Your fat. Your ugly. Your lazy. You are lonely. You are good for nothing. You are tired. You are broken.  These are the thoughts that swirl in my head. Whispers and murmurs constantly repeating.

Depression

I feel myself sliding down, I know it, but can't stop myself from going. Then I forget that I am going to get better, that this is all I will ever have. No hope.

Swirling into the blue, is an easy slide. Going faster, darker, quick like the blink of an eye.

Getting out is a battle. Climbing inch, by aching inch. Until life gets less gray, less lonely.

...I am climbing...I am getting better...I see the whispers for what they are...lies. I am not fat (ok yes I am). I am not ugly. I am lonely. I am good for something. I am tired. I am broken (but I am trying).












 *** Depression

Spiraling into the Blue February 7, 2013 *197.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been spiraling into another fit of depression. You ever see one of those Maple tree seed propeller thingies? Spiraling to the earth...

...No worries... I am not giving up. I am taking good drugs, fighting tooth and nail to stay afloat.

Fake it til ya make it.


















* Found pic on web on this website The Ubyssey could not find name of painter to give credit.

Ripple Effect of Depression January 17, 2013 *200.6!!

My losing weight has a ripple effect. I am eating better, therefor I make better food... so my son is eating better. I don't do take out anymore, and since I am the one that pays and drives he hardly gets anymore either. I walk nearly everyday, so my dog Milo is finally getting the exercise he deserves.

I have suffered from depression and social anxiety since I was very young.  I was only diagnosed and treated for it after 30+! All the signs were there, but I did not have a family that was willing/trained/interested/observant enough to help. I can look back at my life and see where I first showed the signs and I know it started when I was 5. I had my first cutting episode when I was 11 or 12, and my first breakdown when I was 18. Notice I said first, I have had more, but it was my last one at 30+ that finally got me treatment. I got treated and then my son (5) soon started showing signs too. That very day I started going through the process of getting him help. I did NOT want him to have my wasted life!!! It was a long exhausting road for both of us.

Though I say I went that very day to get help, it took me a bit to recognize the signs. I thought at first he was acting out, because he did not want to go to school. It progressed daily til he tried to jump out of the car. By then all my doors in the house were off their hinges (kept on locking himself in). He started complaining of stomach aches, and not feeling good. Right! On it went for a few weeks. Then one day it all clicked when I found his lunch bag full again for the umpteenth time. He was not eating at school.

Fast forward 6  months, we had daily visits to either mind/body docs, school principle, councilor, hospital for blood tests. My son had lost close to 20 lbs on a 60 lbs frame. He was literally skin and bones. I was his life line, as all mothers are.  I had to find a solution! I thought and researched and I found it. Thank You God.

He ended up going on medication for a brief period of time, but is now controlling and dealing with his life in a way that I wish I could have been given the opportunity to. Maybe I had to go through hell so that I could be the mother he needed? Who knows. I have to live the life I have. I am not often happy in it, but I have faked happiness all my life. Maybe this is the year that I will be able to fake it til I make it.

Better today then yesterday January 6, 2013 *204.2

I weighed in at 204.2 lbs today. My weight is coming off slow and steady. I really wish it would come off faster. Fantasy I know, but I still wish it. The other day I saw myself in a mirror window, and I was so disappointed. I imagine myself smaller so much now, that it was sad to see the real me.  I want to wake up and be smaller.

I have found a whole slew of blogs that I subscribed to. Some are inspiring, some are total foodies, some are fitness freaks and some are just fun. I am very happy that I found out about blogging and other blogs. In the end it will be this tool that keeps me on my path. Well other than me, I mean. I write in my blog aka on line diary, everyday. I read other bloggers' blogs, and I stay inspired. I am in the middle of a win win situation.

I was at work the other day, and someone came up beside me and said, "you are losing weight aren't you? Looking good." Very first person to mention anything. I noticed that I am less..puffy. My bra fits better, my clothes, I don't feel like an expanding marshmallow in a too small bag.

I made gluten free air cookies today. Ugh....back to the drawing board on that one. I substituted too many things and they came out gross. All my own fault.

I downloaded the menu planner from  Fit to the Finish menu planning worksheet. Total awesomeness! I love how simple it is. I think I will also try the grocery list one too. I love having all these resources at my fingertips, ones that I didn't even know were out there.

Thank goodness I feel like moving today. I was a total slug yesterday. I don't like when I get like that. I don't want to move, go outside, be seen by anyone. A total blah day.

***

Chicken Tortilla Soup

I found a recipe for Chicken Tortilla Soup  at hungryhealthyhappy this week. I decided to make it today and it was delish!  Really, seriously delish.

***

My name is Josee and I have a problem December 7, 2012

My name is Josee, and I have a problem. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could come on here and act like I was in some sort of AA group for Obese people. I wish I could spew all the garbage that was in my head and feel clean and relieved. I wish I could stay away from food like a drinker can booze when they quite drinking. I wish life was easier. I wish that I could exercise like I say I'm gonna. I wish I could stick things through. I wish I had more courage. I wish that I could think better of myself. I wish I could control my thoughts better. I wish I had clothes that fit. I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and like what I see. I wish I could even look in the mirror. I wish I had more money. I wish I had someone. I wish I could come back here on MFP and not feel like a looser. I wish I came back to MFP sooner. I wish I didnt feel so embarrassed about gaining some of my weight back. I wish I could go to a job that I liked. I wish I could have more energy and not be so God awful tired all the time. I wish I really had a best friend. I wish I didnt have to use MFP, cause it means Im still fat. I wish I wasnt fat. I wish my son was not embarrassed to be seen with me. I wish I wasnt so fucked up. I wish I didnt have to make hard decisions. I wish I  could pay all my bills. I wish I didnt feel like I am always falling down. I wish I didnt feel like an idiot all the time. I wish I didnt feel so lonely all the time. I wish I wasnt depressed. I wish I stopped doing bad things to myself.I wish I was someone else. I wish I knew what to do.

This was a post I did on my MFP blog.