Thursday, 6 December 2012

Fake it til ya make it December 6, 2012 *216.6

Ok, so I kind of did what I said I would. I am actually proud of myself . I got up, weighed myself (of course after I went to the bathroom). I had to weigh myself in more than one place. The first spot, in my room, I weighed in at 219. So I went to my usual spot, the bathroom, right in front of the door. I have tried (in the past) every single spot in my house to see where I weighed the least. Right in front of the counter and in front of the bathroom door is by far the best place. I weighed in at 216. 6 there. So I had some water, boiled some eggs while I took a shower. I said positive things to myself. Oh right I have to write some positive things now.

I am loosing weight
I find it easy to loose weight
I love myself
I am a happy person
I only eat when I am hungry

That last one is the one I have been repeating over and over again. I am trying to convince my mind that I am not hungry all the time. How can I still be hungry even after I have eaten? I usually am. I think about food before, during and after eating. I am usually planing on what to eat next before I am even finished eating. If I go out to eat, I will usually eat something before hand so that I dont eat too fast while I am out, or feel to hungry while waiting for the food. I act like a starvation victim.

Ok so I have not exercised yet today, though I will be working hard when I go to work.. Really that is just a lazy thought! I got caught up in the internet allllll morning. I have to seriously think about cutting back on that. I knew while I was doing it that I should be shutting the computer down. What I was watching wasnt even that great, or life changing. It was like I was focusing on that instead of dealing with life. Hmmm was that an Epiphany? Yup, I think it was. I know I did use it as a tool to stay out of the kitchen. I have got to use exercise to do that though.

Another thing I read awhile back, was to visualize yourself thin. I lost alot of weight when I was younger and I did that all the time. It works! Every time I was hungry I would imagine I was loosing weight. When I went to bed at night and I wanted to eat, I pictured myself all hot and skinny. Over and over again.When I started to loose weight I tried on smaller clothes that I had put away, and imagine myself in smaller and smaller clothes. It was like being on a roller coaster ride all by myself. No in my own world, where I was living and talking and imagining a whole life in my brain. When you are in that place (the zone), I had no problem not wanting to eat all the time. Or if I did want to eat, I would not, because that meant I was going to loose more weight.

I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Or out of sight out of mind. When I am on a diet, I can weigh myself a million times a day. I can obsess about loosing loosing loosing. When I am not dieting, I totally avoid the scale, open the fridge like a famine victim. I refuse to look in the mirror, let alone talk to myself in a positive manner. I usually say things (in my head) like, fuck me! God Josee. What the hell is wrong with you? Well you f%$#ed up, try again tomorrow. Since you already f%$#ed up, might as well go crazy apeshit. F%$# you are fat! Holy crap you are fat and ugly. OMG, your eyes are so small now, because of your fat face.

I love myself
I am loosing weight
I can do this
I love myself
I am not hungry

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